Blogging
by Blourish
Summary: Hermione is stressing and finally starts to lose it. She turns to a muggle computer for her confessions.


**Blogging**

_By Blourish_

I can't believe I'm doing this. Ron would probably laugh at me if he found out about this. Although I suppose I can't really blame him. I'm a witch for merlin's sake! I shouldn't have to resort to using the muggle internet, especially to make something as lame as a blog. It's just that this is so much easier! I've found that surprisingly I can type about 10 times faster then I can write, so with all this stuff going on at the moment, it just makes it that much faster to type up a blog then to write in a diary like I usually do. This has to be totally secret though, I seriously cannot tell a soul about this. But it's not like any muggles will be able to read this anyway. Don't think that anyone will be able to just hack into my account. I _am_ still a witch after all

Anyway, I came on here so that I could write about what's happening at the moment, because try as I might I just can't keep this all to myself! I know I have to be strong for everyone, but sometimes I'm afraid that I'll just breakdown if I can't tell someone how I'm really feeling! Like this morning for instance. Today was supposed to be the first day of our last year at school. We should have been excited, meeting up with friends and looking forward to a brilliant year that would shape the rest of our lives. But no. We weren't allowed this simple pleasure. All because of one man. One man that just won't rest until we are all dead.

The thing is that today I found out something that should have made me angry, that should have at least made me scared. Instead, finding out that Harry and Ron had gone off alone to find Voldemort's last Horcruxes just made me.. well.. sad. They just left me. Do they think that I can't handle it or something? I am just as capable as they are! Don't they trust me? Do they think that I'll get in the way? That I'll let them down? I would do absolutely anything for them! I love them both so much that it hurts. This hurts. It's like the tiny ray of hope that was still left inside me has disappeared overnight. I'm not saying that I don't trust them to do what they need to do, it's just that I wish I could be there with them. I wish we could do it together.

Argh. I can't believe how pathetic I sound! Whining on about being left out. It's just that I wish so much that I could be there with them. Helping them.

What makes it worse is that... I really don't want to say this out loud or even write it. It started last Friday night when I was at the Burrow, Ron and I were sitting in the garden just talking. Talking about what we had always hoped for our future and what may just never be. It was quite cold so we were sort of huddled together, when all of a sudden he leaned over and kissed me. But the thing is this wasn't just any normal kiss. He kissed me like he never wanted to stop, and what shocked me most is that I kissed him back. I kissed him with every part of my being, with every ounce of passion that I had stored away for him over the years. After a while we knew we had to stop before someone came, and he told me something that somehow made me feel like... I was ok. I know how stupid that sounds, but feeling ok was a great feeling. It was something that I hadn't been able to feel in months. He told me that he loved me. He said that he had loved me for years and it wasn't until now that he finally realised how short life was and that he couldn't waste another moment of it. I didn't know what to say at first. We sat in silence for what seemed like an age. Finally I looked up at him and slowly told him that I loved him too. Clichéd I know. But for once I was actually sure of how I felt. I love Ronald Weasley and I'm not afraid to admit it. Even if it's just to a computer.

All this however is not what made everything worse. What makes everything worse is what then happened on Sunday morning. We were still at the burrow and Harry had finally arrived so I was with him in Fred and George's newly emptied room helping him to unpack. For some reason there was an awkward silence between us, usually we always have something to talk about. All of a sudden he simply stopped and sat down on the bed, his face dropping into his hands. Confused, I ran over to him to see if he was alright. When he finally looked up at me he had tears in his eyes. I had only seen him cry once before, so this really scared me. There must be something really wrong. But what he said to me made me freeze with shock. He... -oh my god this is still really weird for me- but he said.. that.. he loved me too. So naturally I thought that he was joking. So (and this is really embarrassing) I started laughing, and I couldn't stop. It wasn't until I saw Harry's face really fall that I stopped and realised that this was no joke. I tried not to, but I panicked, and said (Oh my god I am such a freak and I HATE myself for this), but I said: "Oh Harry.. I..suppose that I... um.. I... love.. you.. too...?" And then I ran for it! Straight back to Ginny's room. Luckily Harry avoided me for the rest of the day and so I wasn't questioned about my real feelings.

I was up all of last night planning what to do about all of this. I worried about how Harry was feeling and I worried about Harry telling Ron about it and Ron thinking that I didn't really love him when I absolutely sincerely do! In the end I knew that I had to talk to both of them, and set everything straight, I was going to do it first thing this morning before we left for the station. But when I woke up it was to the sound of sobbing. I sprinted down the stairs to find Mrs Weasley in Mr Weasleys arms as he tried to comfort her. Every single horrible thing that could be wrong suddenly flooded into my head at once and I felt quite dizzy.

It wasn't until half an hour later however, when the whole family was assembled together that we were told what Harry and Ron had done. How they had simply left in the middle of the night, just leaving a note on the kitchen table and how they were out risking their lives to save us all and would possibly have to face the darkest wizard of all time. I don't know why I did it, but I just started running. Out of the house, down the road and I didn't stop until I was into the town. There I caught the train (luckily I had some muggle money with me from my parents) straight into London. And here I am. In the first internet café I could find.

I'm not really sure what I'm going to do now. Everybody's probably worried about me. It's so irresponsible of me to make them worry even more. We all already have enough to worry about as it is. But funnily enough writing all of this down has in fact made me feel a bit calmer. Like I can finally sort all of my thoughts out.

I think I'll call my parents now and send an owl to the burrow to let them all know that I'm alright. Maybe I can then go find Harry and Ron myself and join them in their search. Maybe if they know how much I want to be with them and help them they'll realise that they don't have to protect me and that I am perfectly capable of fighting beside them.

I hope so.

Well until next time.

Hermione signing off.


End file.
